angyxoxo

Best Concert Ever!


SO HERE WE ARE

I caught a glimpse, but its been forgotten
So here we are again
I made a vow, to carry you home... home

I really tried to do what you wanted
It all went wrong again

I made a vow, to carry you home
If you fall sick, if you pass out

I figured it out, I can see again

My Polaroid 1200si came a week ago.

My 20 boxes of expired Polaroid film came yesterday.

I'm loving Polaroid Photography.

When I began photography at the age of 15, I admit that I had this vision of taking fabulous pictures and getting high praise for it. As soon as I began my first assignment which was making a pinhole camera, my perspective on photography completely changed. I became completely fascinated with the process of not just taking a photo, but the development of it and later on, the manipulation and presentation of it. Photography became an outlet for me to pour all my heart and soul into and I attempted to find beauty in a time where all that existed around me was sorrow and despair.

For the longest time, then, I wanted to capture the beauty I saw in life whether it was people, landscapes, inanimate objects, etc. Through all the darkness, I still wanted to believe in the idea that "life is beautiful." I also wanted to capture the little moments that would have otherwise been forgotten in time. This direction of photography that I headed into, was definitely vain because all I wanted to do was to memorialize beauty as I saw it and I wanted everyone else to see it as well. The feeling that I wanted people to gain from looking at my work was a sense of pride in the world we live in.  I glorified things that may have just misrepresented the actual reality of life.

In my present moment, I am heading in a new direction with my photography. Due to recent events that have occurred in my life, personally, I have been thrust back to a place where I thought I was beyond it years ago. Feelings of all the hurt that I suppressed for so long have resurfaced and maybe if I wasn't in such a vulnerable state of mind, I could have combated it better and kept it suppressed. That is not the case however and I am left once again battling the demons that I had thought were gone from my life. Although I'm hurting and I wish desperately for a sign that this would all eventually end, the only dim light I see is in my photography. The last series clearly shows a break in my art and I think I am going to continue to go down this path. I do not want to capture the obvious beauty anymore. As much as I appreciate comments such as "That's a really nice picture," I want people to feel more than that. I want to do photography in the way that it would represent who I am, down to the bareness of my soul. As much as I suppress my emotions and withdraw from situations that I find uncomfortable which are mainly those that hold a bit of confrontational aspect to it, when my walls are done, emotions ravage my mind, body and soul. I become a hostage to it, especially the hurt. And I need to express these feelings through my photography because I don't think suppressing the pain is working anymore.

Although I still believe that "life is beautiful", I cannot continue with the kind of photograhy that I have been doing in the past. I need to release my hurt and the first step is making photography something that is mine and mine alone. So, for those who are expecting to see the typical "pretty" pictures of people, landscape, plants, animals, etc., I can no longer produce that. That's not where my heart is. That's not what I feel.

Mood: :S
Reading: Books on Chinese politics, the UN, and NATO
Watching: The Canucks kicking some serious ass!
Listening to: Too many sad songs

Life's a bitch. I swear, there has to be something up there that is playing around with my life thread and thinking, "let's see how much she can take before her spirit completely breaks and she becomes bitter, cynical, and hateful of everything." I have to admit that I am at my wit's end recently and I just wish it would all go away.

I just want to say to whoever or whatever that is controlling the way my life is going, stop messing with me! i've had enough. You've won.

Mood:
Reading: Lots of stuff that relates to Chinese history
Watching: The Daily Show - Jon Stewart is the sexiest man on tv!
Listing to: John Mayer - Continuum

School is in full swing and I'm settling back in. It's been a rough start (September always is) but everything is coming together and it's going as it should be. Although I have to admit that I'm already planning my summer vacation

Also, I've realized that I love history. There is no denying it. No matter how much people tell me that it's useless or that it's impractical or that it's boring, I don't care. I love history. I love reading about it, researching it, and writing papers on it. There's no doubt that I love history.

I love it so much that I think all my Chinese history profs are so hot! Sure, physically, they're your typical 40-50 year old men with a pot belly forming slightly but the knowledge they have.. it's so sexy! I'm a sucker for smart educated men. Pfft, at this rate, I'll probably end up wanting to marry a history professor, although preferably someone who's around the same age as me and hopefully it'll happen when i'm older as well.